I’m heavy with stress, annoyance and fear of an unpredictable future. Suddenly and without warning the complacency driven inertia of familiarity and comfort is gone. I am dropped into the middle of new responsibilities, and am faced with a challenge.
A few months ago I hypothesized about swiftly and deftly handling the possibility of a time crisis and then here I am, fired without warning from my fat-assed job of seven years. Pressed firmly into the square-pegged discomfort zone.
Be careful what you dream of, it might become a reality.
I have priorities which are not the priorities that society commands in situations like these, like sorting out for the first time in your life the complexities of a market system based unemployment assistance program and that your former employer can actually contest your application for it. Whereas my priorities are based on a life of survival, so my first reaction is to sell everything and generate cash that way, because with cash in hand you have more power and time, and less compromises. The added benefits of selling everything is downsizing and increased fluidity to move around and appear to be more flexible.
Societies plan, has me worried because its unfamiliar territory and probably an easier path then mine is, but because my plan is based on an arc of my own making, the trajectory is more controllable.
As of today I have precisely four months to go before I leave for a three month trip to India.
I am awaiting to hear form immigration about the status of my application for Citizenship;
which ultimately dictates how long I can stay out of the US;
which has an effect on whether or not I can take on the Photographic job of a lifetime in another country close to India which I would lose if I had to come back to the US and then go away again, and, add to that the loss of the original application for Citizenship.
So I have a challenge, unknown territory, and a prize I want to touch so badly, and it’s a game in which I have to play my cards right to win or lose.
If I lose, I still get to go to India, but without the kudos of having shot the job of a lifetime and the experiential weight of having shot in that place which could put my photographic career on the map.
I don’t like compromises when the alternative is vastly superior motivation for others to take me seriously as the philosophical photojournalist that I believe I am. I have never been so confident about my work, both technically and more importantly my vision.