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I went to see Annie Leibovitz last night for a lecture in Seattle last night. At once I believed that I was again in a funk with myself because I walked away unsatisfied, its the second lecture Id been to in two months, albeit the first one was pretty stale and the work was very un-fulfilling. My immediate feeling is one of wanting more. I wanted to ask questions but handing cards to ushers before the event is not conducive to creative questioning on matters involving the lecture you have just heard..

However, my biggest complaint was with myself, and it wasn’t last night, it occurred in my sleep and woke me up at 6-am this morning to tell me that I left my balls in desperation alley somewhere back on skid-row.. I dont know what has happened to me over the last three years. I was married, I was gelded by the woman I was to spend the rest of my life with and Ive been cowering in the shadows ever since..

Anyway, when I heard Mrs (I dont think she ever married, but I believe that if she was afforded the luxury of doing so, she would have, and for that reason I bestow upon her the married status of Mrs.) Leibovitz, tinker on last night about her working life in moderate detail she obviously had quite the run of luck or perfect timing for certain things to happen in a sequence of events which lead to cumulatively wider avenues of creativity inspiration and opportunity.

Ultimately, and what woke me up this morning, is that I was on that path, in its infancy, but I was there, and I was in a position to shuffle large blocks of chance around me like they are jellies on a plate, and for one reason or another, pulled back and retreated into the darker recesses of my life. I am prone to depression and I am my own worst enemy, I know what I need but for some reason I just cant seem to put the two together and make the shit happen for myself like I can for other people. ultimately I just cant -despite my best efforts- think of my own life objectively.

I think, ultimately Ireland gives us the belief that you must rely on other people to give you opportunities, and America makes you understand that you have to make your own opportunities. And yet within saying that, I see my friend who is obsessed with networking and schmoozing around people of influence like a slug in snot, believes that his opportunities will come only from knowing the right people. I think that may be part of it, but I think that this is something which should come as part of, your working life not necessarily exclusive of.

Anyway, Im hoping that I can get my head together and make a positive move soon because I fear if I dont, I will be stepping further into desperation.

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