Being There

Last coherent conversation with my Father
I never lived in this apartment, apart from one month in 2015 where I came back to Ireland with the intention of trying to get to know him again and to remind myself of who he was and where I came from.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin, My father had fallen about 6 months previously and damaged some bones. He was checked on by a friend who determined quite rightly, that he was in trouble. Between my Sister and my oldest brother, John, and their friends that were still living in Ireland, helped get him situated in a new place.
In the meantime, he had been hospitalized and then sent to ‘Our Lady’s Manor’ which is a care home administered by an order of nuns. This is literally moments after I saw him for the first time in 3 years. I was gutted when I saw him, so physically diminished, yet bright and coherent despite the crumbling infrastructure.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. My oldest brother, John, dealing with immediate arrangements for Dad, a Taxi, and his job back in the UK.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Waiting by the elevator at Our lady’s Manor care home. My thoughts during this time were to apply the same psychology through my camera that would help determine the best images to get in the moment. As I was looking at my father, I could see his demeanour, indicating that he wasn’t really sure about what was going on in that moment. The following image carries on this psychology and is manifested on my brother, as he amply reflects my own thoughts in that moment.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Waiting by the elevator at Our lady’s Manor care home. My thoughts during this time were to apply the same psychology through my camera that would help determine the best images to get in the moment. As I was looking at my father, my brother, John, came to my focus attention. This is hard for all of us.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. In the tiny elevator at Our lady’s Manor care home.
It became clear that it was very difficult for me to figure out which emotion was calling me the most. I made the picture to solidify the moment.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
I remember my dad talking about a film that he said was profound; “Being There” with Peter Sellers. The sentiment of this film is reflected in these images.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. This is my brother, John, saying goodbye for now to our dad. Me giving him that hug, would look just the same as this, and it would be the following day. The last time I would talk with him.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. A view, one that I’d seen many times before, but from another point.
My father spilt most of his life into this area, everyone knew him, he was a hand, act or part in this area for 88 years.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
I remember my dad talking about a film that he said was profound; “Being There” with Peter Sellers. The sentiment of this film is reflected in these images.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
I have vague memories of being a child holding his big warm hand, and he would turn back to me like this, and say something.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. I literally got off the plane got in a taxi and came straight out to see him at the Manor. The trip back to my friend’s house where I was staying, was a real-time tableaux of images from the window of the train, segments of my past life in Ireland, chunks of memory, good and bad times, little vignettes of thought and memory synchronized and dispatched with the rhythm of the tracks.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. A view, one that I’d seen many times before, but from another point.
My father spilt most of his life into this area, everyone knew him, he was a hand, act or part in this area for 88 years.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
Dublin,. A view, one that I’d seen many times before, but from another point.
My father spilt most of his life into this area, everyone knew him, he was a hand, act or part in this area for 88 years.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
I remember once my dad talking about a film that he said was profound; “Being There” with Peter Sellers. The sentiment of this film is reflected in these images.
Last coherent conversation with my Father
The last look.
I had a deadline, my part in a charade. I got one day with my father.
The window frame tells me that I have no control, I include it in the frame, to convey a sense of constraint. Other things going on outside the window, are reinforcements on this concept.

My Inspiration from Others

Untitled by Jamie Fyson Howard
Untitled, a photo by Jamie Fyson Howard on Flickr.

Im fascinated with youth and I got that from a combination of living in USA where everything is based around the unhealthy obsession of youth and the preservation of it at seemingly any social cost. The age from about 17 to about 30 are interesting times for me to document, because it was a time of great stress and confusion for me and when I look back on it now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how others confront their identities and try to fit in to a scene or niche in order to survive the perceived social balance that you think you need to adhere to in order to be accepted.

This particular image attracts me primarily because of the striking nature of light, and then the unveiling of an intricate social anomaly being revealed behind the wall of smoke. This wonderful non verbal communication/interaction which involves the photographer who in turn passes that on to you the viewer and ultimately you are part of the process of non verbal interactivity communication.

The Rest Is Propaganda

Steve Ignorant was in the band Crass, a punk band form 77-84. I was too young to be directly into them but my brother was and I distinctly remember the artwork and the politics which was all Regan/Thatcher scaremongering and economic blue-collar woes of England and subsequently Ireland too.
Living here in Seattle and reading that book took me back to being a 5-10yo right back in the heart of it all. Funnily enough Im back on the dole and life’s about to change again, the weather is different and the people around here talk funny, otherwise nothings changed.. well it has but its come back to where it was all those years ago like we learned nothing from it.
Its the first book Ive read in years, and for me its light because I know the language and the territory.  ISBN978-0956674609

Go on have a go.

Coasting in to point conclusion

There are things happening around me, things I have allowed myself to believe I can’t control, though they are not necessarily causing me any undue panic. Things I know I should be taking care of but I am not because I feel deep down in my gut, that they are not entirely all that important on the grand scheme of things. Things like my citizenship, I should have taken care if that at at the end of last year, but I didn’t and the same rationale then as. Ow is in my head for not doing it then as now; ultimately, I want a reason to come back to the US; I want to come back to the certainty of a job and a place to live because I ultimately believe that I haven’t saved enough money to do exactly all the things I am discovering that I want to be doing, like more traveling. A lot more traveling, and I want to be engaged in photography on a more international level whether that be self funded or otherwise. Work or pleasure, but definitely socially aware.
I think the last ten years of living has been a party for me, coasting along in comfort mode satisfied with the knowledge that I actually jumped off the side of the earth and survived, and in fact flourished. Complacency was a gift to myself in reward for actually achieving. But that’s a whole other story.

Certain things are running out, household things, supplies, what were once necessities. To quote Derek Jarman as he was degenerating from aids, he caught himself window shopping for shoes, and realized that he didn’t have much time left, his words were “aren’t these shoes good enough to walk me out of life?” In the same way I feel that there are things that I generally do to make the ship that is my life, run smoothly and so, I periodically replenish necessities. However, now I’m finding that I’m letting things go, change is coming, and I want it to be a shedding and a purge also. Saturns return. 40 is the big one, and I’m feeling good about it, time for change, time to loosen the grip on the fear and insecurity that youth brings.