There are things happening around me, things I have allowed myself to believe I can’t control, though they are not necessarily causing me any undue panic. Things I know I should be taking care of but I am not because I feel deep down in my gut, that they are not entirely all that important on the grand scheme of things. Things like my citizenship, I should have taken care if that at at the end of last year, but I didn’t and the same rationale then as. Ow is in my head for not doing it then as now; ultimately, I want a reason to come back to the US; I want to come back to the certainty of a job and a place to live because I ultimately believe that I haven’t saved enough money to do exactly all the things I am discovering that I want to be doing, like more traveling. A lot more traveling, and I want to be engaged in photography on a more international level whether that be self funded or otherwise. Work or pleasure, but definitely socially aware.
I think the last ten years of living has been a party for me, coasting along in comfort mode satisfied with the knowledge that I actually jumped off the side of the earth and survived, and in fact flourished. Complacency was a gift to myself in reward for actually achieving. But that’s a whole other story.
Certain things are running out, household things, supplies, what were once necessities. To quote Derek Jarman as he was degenerating from aids, he caught himself window shopping for shoes, and realized that he didn’t have much time left, his words were “aren’t these shoes good enough to walk me out of life?” In the same way I feel that there are things that I generally do to make the ship that is my life, run smoothly and so, I periodically replenish necessities. However, now I’m finding that I’m letting things go, change is coming, and I want it to be a shedding and a purge also. Saturns return. 40 is the big one, and I’m feeling good about it, time for change, time to loosen the grip on the fear and insecurity that youth brings.