I went to see Annie Leibovitz last night for a lecture in Seattle last night. At once I believed that I was again in a funk with myself because I walked away unsatisfied, its the second lecture Id been to in two months, albeit the first one was pretty stale and the work was very un-fulfilling. My immediate feeling is one of wanting more. I wanted to ask questions but handing cards to ushers before the event is not conducive to creative questioning on matters involving the lecture you have just heard..

However, my biggest complaint was with myself, and it wasn’t last night, it occurred in my sleep and woke me up at 6-am this morning to tell me that I left my balls in desperation alley somewhere back on skid-row.. I dont know what has happened to me over the last three years. I was married, I was gelded by the woman I was to spend the rest of my life with and Ive been cowering in the shadows ever since..

Anyway, when I heard Mrs (I dont think she ever married, but I believe that if she was afforded the luxury of doing so, she would have, and for that reason I bestow upon her the married status of Mrs.) Leibovitz, tinker on last night about her working life in moderate detail she obviously had quite the run of luck or perfect timing for certain things to happen in a sequence of events which lead to cumulatively wider avenues of creativity inspiration and opportunity.

Ultimately, and what woke me up this morning, is that I was on that path, in its infancy, but I was there, and I was in a position to shuffle large blocks of chance around me like they are jellies on a plate, and for one reason or another, pulled back and retreated into the darker recesses of my life. I am prone to depression and I am my own worst enemy, I know what I need but for some reason I just cant seem to put the two together and make the shit happen for myself like I can for other people. ultimately I just cant -despite my best efforts- think of my own life objectively.

I think, ultimately Ireland gives us the belief that you must rely on other people to give you opportunities, and America makes you understand that you have to make your own opportunities. And yet within saying that, I see my friend who is obsessed with networking and schmoozing around people of influence like a slug in snot, believes that his opportunities will come only from knowing the right people. I think that may be part of it, but I think that this is something which should come as part of, your working life not necessarily exclusive of.

Anyway, Im hoping that I can get my head together and make a positive move soon because I fear if I dont, I will be stepping further into desperation.


I went to the Safeway which is close to my work, for the first time this evening. I had thought about going to the shops after my day out yesterday and upon entry of my QFC turned my back and walked out because the price of butter had gone up more than 85c in one week, and it made me think that it was time for me to go elsewhere. Ironically a woman stopped me on my way out and asked if I was willing to participate in a quick customer satisfaction questionnaire.

So the Safeway experience was more than I had bargained for. Yes I saved money, actually quite a bit. However, the whole experience was quite daunting and quite depressing. What I gained in one hand I lost in the other. 0/0.

There is a different psychology in there, pokey, over heated, barrage of audio nonsense, over zealous use of cleaner, and the most aggressive spot lighting I have ever seen in anything other then an amusement fair. Starchy, under saturated, low fiber rich in monosodium glutamate.

Homeless, poor, overweight, unkempt, uncared-for, unkind, lost, lonely and unloved people. Men who have the divorced look, lonely men, poor men, sad men, sad women, over prescribed, under appreciated statements of a society on the edge of fucked. Its that horrible taste you cant seem to get out of your mouth despite your very best efforts, until eventually it dissolves away in a shot whiskey or if your lucky a glass of house red.
What is most disturbing, is the fact that this a legion of people, an entire generations load of human detritus. And we who transcend it are responsible for it as much as those who have transcended us.

In stark contrast to this I spent the afternoon walking around the University Village, an outdoor mall catered with upper-middle-class, social climbing, aspirations to grandeur, nouveau-riche, wannabe couture shopping, lavishly embroidered with a swathe of stay at home wives and Ugg-Boot wearing teens. Save for the fact their own levels of personal hygiene may be somewhat, considerably more, obviously, detectably, improved. That and the lack of raised voices, there is not much of a difference between the Safeway crew and the Universally Villaged.

Film Superiority

Im so out of the technology scene now that its just not funny. When I was in about a year in the camera shop where I work, I started to bear a distaste for the frivolity of the digital camera scene. The market, the marketing, the product and the lack of quality gave way to all things which are the opposite. I went from owning the top of the line professional digital camera to a lowly manual camera which shot film. two years later Im still shooting film but I bulldozed that camera and eventually ponied up to the level of quality I was missing all along, and bought a Leica. The stuff used to be very expensive but in comparison to any decent digital SLR now, its almost on par. However thats where the similarities end.
So Canon and Nikon introduce updates to their gear and they are all song and dance routines. Colleagues from other camera retailers show me the gear and what it can do etc and its all shit. Its complete shit. Really; take a step back from the ownership and pride and look at what you just spend three grand on. 20mp and 14bit tech isn’t even a scratch on the surface of what currently excises or for that matter what has excised for the past 20 years in film technology -pre 20 years ago sure, there is comparisons there.
Kodak just announced new film. I got two rolls shot it and experimented with it up and down the scale. It scans with a clarity and a scale which blows digital technology off the face of the planet. It costs $4.49 a roll and cost me $3.50 to develop it without prints. Its called Ektar 100, oh and if your hard drive crashes the negs are OK -and they are waterproof too.

…sounds a lot like

Just got this from Channel 4 news (UK) in my inbox;

“I have spent the past days here in America swinging across seven key states. There is an exceptional sense both of excitement and paranoia in the air. Let me deal with the latter first.

There is a fear in many states of both fraud and theft in the voting process. One of the reasons that people have voted early in so many places – it has been possible in 34 of the 50 states – is the fear of complication.

In Atlanta I found a voting machine that had mysteriously ‘failed’ knocking out a thousand votes. I found early voting queues where people had still not voted five hours after they’d joined the line and the authorities were refusing to extend the voting time to include them.”

what is going on in this country? This is the USA, ok for most of us the USA means Coke, Levi’s, etc, aka the epitome of western-ism. the benchmark for freedom etc etc
So when I read this kind of commentary, it makes me think of a country in turmoil, which makes me think of Zimbabwe, Congo, S.Ossetia, or any number of other countries in conflict or turmoil -take your pick; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_wars_2003–current

What is going on here? (I seem to be a little disadvantaged actually living here apparently, because I cant seem to see the wood for the trees), tell me… are we at war here in the US? I dont mean American foreign policies (Iraq), I mean within the shores of the US, Homeland Security, internal spying, etc etc -Ive become sick and tired of hearing about people complaining about it (albiet mostly only people over the age of 50, because the pre fifty year olds have MTV on too loud or have the Youtube/America’s Next Top Model/Lost[sic]/[insert any current inert gaseous brain-filler here] Headphones on), but I also need to hit myself over the head and wake up to it.

I need to come up for air, take a gasp of reality and maybe even make it back to shore…

*this rant has been sponsored by someone somewhere