I am a ruin right now.
Im in a terrible mental place.
Its a fulcrum point, Ive had one before like this that I can remember comming out of but not being in. Very turbulent times.
I just started crying. All this bad energy flowing out of me, like rain.
I am scared. I am confused. I am lonely.
I feel as though something has been building for some time now.
The lonliness is too much.
Im tortured. I met a woman, or she met me, wrote me and we talked, something happened, emotions connections something amazing, something I want to cherish. She told me she is ill permanently. She will have a long life but a little shorter then most. It didnt bother me because it strengthened the connection, I want her more. When I was 21 I had a connection with someone who died the same way. I had nearly forgotten about it (not him), that rush of emotion came to me today.
I dont know if I want to do this again. But I feel as though its my destiny, like I have little choice. Turn your back on your attraction, to her, to the life she has to live on her own, or with someone else, someone who might be good for her or someone who might not. She wants a child, Ive said to myself someday I would love to have a child but Im not ready. But the thoughts of it have been intesly running through my head. I never think about a cild being a shared responsibility between two people. My life is wrong, its off track, I need more then what I am doing now, I thought I would be on point in life in a different position, I feel a calling in another direction.
Im 4 years into my second life and I feel that I am running out of time. Like sitting on the back seat of the bus as its driving into a wall at 100 miles an hour, the back seat is the denial of responsibility, and the bus is the life I feel I have no control of. You see out the windows these are memories, the only window which is not a memory is the front window, the bus hits, and you are catapulted from the back seat through the front window…
I have had no connections with anyone here, its so cold. I dont understand people here. Maybe its just Seattle, maybe its more. I would have said maybe its me but then this woman happened and now I now that its not. This woman is the first intense connection, Ive made in years. I feel as though Americans have dispatched with something original and something in their core makeup. I feel that there is no feeling. All feeling is suppressed, replaced by a clinicalness or example. I fell in love with my estranged wife and then I watched as she moved further and further away from me. Add to the lack of feeling the possibility of problems.
I have growing pressures on me, my father is 79 and is growing weaker as time goes by, he keeps requesting I go back and help him. I wanted my return to be one of choice and a happy one. I wanted it on my terms. I want to leave Seattle and try somwhere else, maybe SanFrancisco. I have a review with immigration, a big deal, ultimatley they may tell me that I cannot stay in the US because my estranged wife and I are nolonger a viable couple -through no fault of my own I might add, maybe I didnt work hard enough at it, but then again, I think I did, then I just got bored when nothing was returned and a year later she figiured it out and instead of trying to repair it she. Anyway, I might have to dump my life here, and leave, Id like to travel, but then again Id like to go to this woman, hold her in my arms, accept her and make my life with her. Travel with her, be with her. But Im not sure I want to settle yet, Im not sure I dont want to either, when I look at my alternatives, specifically my alternative and how I am my nature and what I want my future to be and what it will actually be, these are factors I consider to be alternatives in my world.
I thank my parents for the great overwhelming self confidence I do not have. I thank my mother for putting me in boarding school when I was 14 because she was fulfilling an obligation and not interested in raising a child in her 40s. Something I didnt know affected me, but realised it recently.