I think the last few months of my life have been both the most humiliating and yet the most liberating times of my life. Im not one for dramatics, and change really does scare me, and the two were leveled on in spades. however within that, strangely enough, within the chaos of it all, I feel a remote sence of maturity and growth as a person. I know that sounds terribly pompous, and maybe it is, but within that I really believe that something good has come from being squeezed like a grape.
Its unfortunate that the breakup had to be so badly managed, both by me and my other half. She is aware of her emotions and relied on them for these times, and thats the way she needed to function, and for me, if she hadnt have broken us up I probably would have stuck my head in the sand just a bit longer and then eventually done the same thing. I knew it was a bad trip, but whilst your in the car, you just want to keep going…
At the end of the day, its been an emotional minfield for me, she thinks I have no emotions -or atleast I have no emotions that she can empathize with because she recons Im too sensitive and too emotional and than I have no emotions etc.. Truth is, Im probably just like any other male, I get angry and stuff that emotion somewhere where I can hide it, and then I get frustrated, cynical and depressed, generally in that order. The worst part of it is that we are still in the same house, and the same space, and she is extremely hurtful in so many ways. Everyday there is something new to dump out that we shared.
I am looking for a new place to live, but am really nervous about it because I found it reasonably tough to survive in this place which was cheap, now Ive to move all my shift and find something with an infantecimal level of dignity for similar rent which is reasonably close to work. She moves accrross the street because she knows someone who knows someone who is leaving her a nice cheap place in the same block. THAT alone angers me.